March 28, 2024
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Listen up and quiet down Interacting and succeeding with difficult people may be easier than you think – even if one of them is you

Sherry and I met one day recently in Bangor. She had a pleasant face and was friendly and easy to talk to. Our conversation began normally enough – she looked me in the eye, nodded, smiled, appeared to value my words. Then, 30 seconds into our talk, she became distracted. She looked down at her notes on the table, scratched her arm, glanced around the room. Pretty soon, I thought, she’s going to start whistling. So I paused, tried to recapture her attention by repositioning my body and darting my eyebrows. In the end, I wanted to strangle her.

Confession: I’ve treated people the way Sherry treated me that day. Chances are, you’ve had your Sherry moments, too. Let’s face it: We’re busy people. Maintaining effective communication skills, especially under the pressures of the workday, can drive us all to distraction. And that doesn’t even account for the other people in the office: the dictators, divas, motor mouths, complainers, know-it-alls, wimps and whiners. You know them, and chances are you are them (at least in someone’s eyes).

But there’s hope. That was the message of a daylong seminar offered last month in four locations throughout Maine, including Bangor, where I attended the six-hour workshop with about 40 other professionals from the medical, educational, corporate, publishing and service industries. Offered through Fred Pryor Seminars/CareerTrack, a business effectiveness training company in Kansas City, “Dealing with Difficult People” promised to deliver surefire strategies for addressing difficult people in the workplace. Instead of worsening the situation, you – yes, you – may be able to lessen the conflict.

All of us in the room that day surely had a secret list of all the difficult people who needed this seminar more than we did, but it didn’t take long for me to realize that I was the most difficult person I know. I recognized myself as soon as the seminar leader and “coach” Nan Milliken threw out the term “monkey mind.”

Your monkey mind, said Milliken, is the little voice in the back of your head that won’t shut up. It keeps your inner Sherry alive. It keeps you distracted and ineffective.

“People’s listening capacity is 50 to 70 percent because they’re listening to their monkey mind: What time is it? I wish I had a cup of coffee. I have to make a phone call. I feel fat. The monkey mind keeps you from being present and focused,” said Milliken, who presents more than 160 such seminars a year.

Being a premature interrupter doesn’t help either. But if you have the desire to improve, if you know what you look and sound like under stress, if you practice good habits (which Milliken spent the day describing) and if you invest 2.5 percent of your annual salary on learning resources (preferably the ones she sells at the end of the day), then you have all the tools for being a good listener and effective worker. Telling that monkey mind to shut up, however, is a good first step.

The day was about taking steps – toward awareness of self and of others. Dealing with difficult situations can sometimes simply be a matter of listening carefully. To refine that skill, Milliken offered “three Rs” as tools for dealing with customers, clients and even co-workers in particularly stressful situations. Have REAL intent to listen – not to agree or disagree, but to listen; be prepared to REPEAT what you heard – to say: “Let me understand what you said”; and RECONFIRM – by asking: “Is that accurate?”

In other words: Let them have their say. Re-tell them what they said. Ask them if you said it right. It’s basic validation rules.

The seminar, which cost $150, is a crash course in developing the kinds of communication skills no one teaches in school. We learn math, science and grammar. But how do you learn to listen, to use words effectively or to get along with a difficult boss or the woman in the cubicle next to yours? Milliken, who has degrees in applied psychology and journalism, as well as a background in entertainment – her style is a cross between the goofiness of Carol Burnett and the quick wit of Candice Bergen – has devoted the last 12 years of her career to improving communication skills mostly among co-workers. But she regularly reminded the participants – all of whose names she remembered throughout the day without name tags – that the same skills are valuable in marriage and in raising children.

Milliken, whose candor was both tough and funny, said conflict resolution begins with you. (Here, she held up a mirror to the audience to make her point.) The key is to learn how to feel OK about yourself on the inside when difficult things are happening on the outside. Milliken’s own mentor in this regard is Jack Canfield, author of “Chicken Soup for the Soul.” (His audio guide “Self-Esteem and Peak Performance” was one of many training materials on sale that day). A stronger sense of self is always a good tool when it comes to confrontations, but the keys, said Milliken, are: controlling your emotions, sincerely sharing a common goal, using “I” rather than “you” statements, and being prepared with information rather than shooting from the hip.

Difficult people are difficult, said Milliken for two basic reasons. They either have low self-esteem – “Two out of three people have low self-esteem. Turn your head to the left. Turn your head to the right. One of you is OK,” she instructed – or they lack communication skills. Either way, it’s up to you to figure out the best way to handle them.

As our cheerleader for the day, Milliken shared the Platinum Rule – not do unto others as you would have them do unto you, but deal with people the way THEY like to be dealt with.

To help with this, she guided the participants through personality profiles that revealed their styles, how others see those styles, and how varying styles might come into conflict. Based on two lists of descriptive behavior, we all determined our personalities as directors, relaters, thinkers and socializers. (I’m a director.) Then we separated into groups with our like kinds and further analyzed our traits, peeves and strengths. I should mention that this was particularly challenging for the directors, all of whom wanted to take charge. Nevertheless, each of the four groups (ours was the smallest) did the same, and we all shared our results. It was a revelatory event in which directors understood relaters, and socializers saw into the lives of thinkers.

In the end, Milliken sent us on our way with new perspectives on not only the difficult people around us, but also the difficult people we are. She requested that we review the material within a three-day time frame. It’s not that practice makes perfect. Dealing effectively with people is a lifelong commitment. But practice does make improvement.

Believe me, I’ve been listening to my Jack Canfield CDs.

Let’s go back to the original conversation between Sherry and me. If Sherry’s business at hand didn’t demand full brainpower – let’s say she was stapling booklets or ironing a shirt – it’s not unreasonable to think she might be able to continue her activity and talk at the same time. It’s OK to multitask if the activity doesn’t require total attention. Sherry could prevent me from wanting to throttle her by saying: “Would you mind if I kept stapling while you speak to me?” Most likely, I’d be happy to accommodate her because she asked my permission and at the same time validated me.

If Sherry were too busy to talk or if her work prevented her from splitting her attention politely and effectively, she might also diffuse a potential conflict by saying: “Sounds like you have some important questions. How much time do you need?” or “I can see this is important. Can we reschedule this for another time later today?” If she had said, “Go ahead. I’m listening” – and then went on with her work, it’s unlikely that I would have believed her, and bang goes the door in my head.

As for me, I might have had the awareness to approach her and, seeing that she was busy, say: “I have some questions about work. If this is not a good time, can we schedule something this afternoon because it’s important?”

Then maybe Sherry, who turned out to be a perfectly nice co-participant, and I can do what we’re there to do: get the job done.

Alicia Anstead can be reached at 990-8266 and aanstead@bangordailynews.net.


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