BANGOR – When T.J. Steeves began kindergarten two years ago, he had an unusual challenge.
In addition to learning his letters, numbers and colors, he needed to learn how to play.
T.J., who is 7, lived with his mother until March 26, 2001, when a late-night drug bust at their home propelled him into the custody of his grandmother, Donna Goodridge of Abbot.
Her daughter was a young, single mother who struggled with parenting, Goodridge said recently. The small family moved seven times in two years, and T.J. spent his formative years around a rough crowd.
“He was around young adults and teenagers who did a lot of smoking, drinking and drugging around him,” Goodridge said recently. “When he got to kindergarten, he had so many disruptive behaviors. He didn’t know how to play. He didn’t know how to sit still.”
Taking an active preschooler into her home was a learning experience for Goodridge.
At 50, she has had to re-immerse herself in the world of toys, elementary school and setting bedtimes.
It also is a world in which T.J. goes to therapy, sees behavior specialists for up to 40 hours a week and struggles with post-traumatic stress disorder.
“It is a full-time job,” Goodridge said of taking care of T.J. “It isn’t what I thought would happen at the age of 50, but I wouldn’t do anything but.”
Goodridge, one of more than 5,000 Maine grandparents responsible for raising more than 9,000 grandchildren, has found support through Families and Children Together, a statewide nonprofit agency with a Bangor office.
“Typically, the reason why people are looking to bring kids in their care is because of some kind of family tragedy,” Barbara Kates of FACT said recently. “Often it’s substance abuse.”
Kates said that aunts, uncles and other relatives care for an additional 2,000 Maine children, according to the 2000 U.S. Census.
These relatives raising children need help. FACT recently received a $100,000 per year four-year federal grant for its Family Connections to Resources program, which provides services to relatives who are raising children who have been exposed to substance abuse or HIV.
The Eastern Agency on Aging and FACT recently did a collaborative survey on unmet needs of such relatives. The grant will help with three major identified needs. It will:
. Help families obtain respite child care.
. Help families with the costs of getting legal authority of children.
. Help educate families about special needs of children exposed to substance abuse or HIV.
“We are one of four programs in the country that got funded to specifically provide service to relatives providing care for children,” Kates said.
The grant will allow the agency to expand its services to families like the Goodridges.
“It’s been a challenge from year to year,” Goodridge said. “There are many obstacles in our way.”
She said she benefits from attending the monthly support group meetings facilitated by FACT in Dover-Foxcroft.
“They help with so many things,” Goodridge said. “FACT is absolutely wonderful. They’ve been a real help to me.” A Holden grandfather who asked to remain anonymous spoke of the isolation he and his wife sometimes feel when caring for their young granddaughter. The man and his wife took in their then 6-year-old granddaughter after their daughter provided inconsistent care for the little girl and her three siblings.
“You go to the local school functions and you see these parents that are there, and the majority of them are young enough to be your kids,” he said. “It’s different.”
He attends the twice-monthly support groups FACT runs in Bangor and appreciates connecting with other grandparents raising grandchildren.
“You hear all kinds of heart-wrenching stories,” he said. “What is said there stays there.”
Along with the support and confidentiality he finds in the grandparents group, the grandfather said he appreciates the help FACT has provided with his particular situation.
“FACT is a pretty good resource,” he said. “It steers you in other directions, like resolving issues through courts or DHS or getting contact with attorneys.”
His granddaughter is doing well, he said, after a rocky and unstable childhood. In her first year of school, she and her mother and siblings moved four or five times by Christmas. Things are better now.
“She’s in sports, she has a lot of friends, she’s doing well in school,” he said.
His dream for his daughter and her family of four is simple.
“The best thing that could happen is that she … would get herself cleaned up,” he said. “She could live in an apartment, have her kids, maybe have a halfway decent life.”
For information about FACT, call 941-2347 or 1-866-298-0896
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