Children who have been abused and neglected can’t hear it enough: “You’re special, I delight in your presence.”
That’s the advice Dr. Dan Hughes of Waterville gives foster and adoptive parents with children who have trouble bonding – commonly called attachment disorder.
“These kids need lots of affection and reassurance communicated through playful, interactive eye contact, a nurturing tone of voice and a gentle touch,” Hughes said Monday.
“Because of the deficiencies in their development we’ve got to start with the basics,” said Hughes, a therapist and author who travels the country teaching parents and counselors how to help children who have suffered emotional trauma.
Hughes will give the keynote address at 9:15 a.m. Friday, April 6, during the two-day Adoptive and Foster Families of Maine spring conference at Verillo’s Convention Center in Portland.
Supported by the Maine Department of Human Services, the conference will continue all day Friday and Saturday and will feature workshops on topics including children’s emotional health; fetal alcohol syndrome; the role of the guardian ad litem in court; and kinship care and transracial adoptions.
The conference will include a drum presentation by members of the Penobscot Nation and a ballet demonstration by students at the Portland School of Ballet.
With 300 people registered so far, the event promises to be the largest ever, according to AFFM director Bette Hoxie. Registrations will be taken at the door but seating is limited, she said. For information, call AFFM at (800) 833-9786.
Nonverbal, emotional communication is vital in dealing with children who have attachment disorder, Hughes said.
Because the children have never developed the ability to form trusting, relaxing relationships with adults, they are extremely sensitive and can sense unconsciously whether a parent is being truthful.
The child may misinterpret a mildly frustrated parent’s facial expression as one of disgust or hatred.
Another intervention technique is for parents to keep the children physically close to them, Hughes said.
Children with attachment disorder haven’t internalized the difference between right and wrong, so as soon as the parent is out of sight even a 7-year-old will proceed to inappropriate behavior, breaking something or punching a sibling, Hughes said.
“Instead of giving them giant consequences, just keep them near you and increase your supervision,” he said. “Accept that the child isn’t emotionally ready to make decisions in his best interests or that of the family.
“At some point they’ll start to internalize the parent’s values and beliefs.”
Parents will hear more about dealing with children with attachment disorder during Nancy Thomas’ workshop, “Rebuilding the Broken Bond: It Takes a Team to Help a Hurting Child.”
Normal parenting techniques don’t work with these children, according to Thomas, a therapeutic parenting specialist in Colorado.
“Forget the gold star chart,” she said. “And punishment like spanking or grounding is totally ineffective.
“Overall, kids need a steel box with a velvet lining. They need to feel safe; they need to test their limits until they know it’s safe to trust. And they need to be held and rocked, they need a tremendous amount of nurturing – 12 hugs a day.”
During the workshop “The Impact of Kinship Care on Relative Caregivers, Birth Parents and Children,” Dr. Joseph Crumbley, a consultant and family therapist from Philadelphia, will discuss assessing a relative’s ability to provide care and identifying the similarities and differences between relative and nonrelative placements.
Research shows children tend to stay with relatives longer than they would in the typical foster care setting, Crumbley said Monday. Children placed with relatives also tend to have more contact with their birth parents, he said.
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